Home / Advice / Silencing Your Inner Bitch

 

This is a post I wrote WAY back in 2016. With some website changes, the formatting was all off, so here it is, re published in 2019 😀

Lil cutie patootie (me)

Do you have issues with food? Do you know where they come from? Or how to fix them?
I remember being told I was fat as a kid, by a couple of relatives. I remember how much it hurt, and even now, it still does, but I don’t hold a grudge, and know it wasn’t necessarily meant in an offensive way. I just remember how much it hurt and affected me, and that I won’t speak to our kids that way, ever.


I remember always thinking I was huge as a teenager. Looking
back, all my friends were petite, but I wasn’t actually fat, I just
felt it, and once I felt it, I couldn’t get it out of my head, and
so the nasty self talk began. People told me I was fat as a kid,
and nasty kids at College told me I was, so I must have been,
right?

In the above 2 pics, all I could think about was that I was so fat. Despite the fact that in the 2nd picture, I was wearing my besties clothes, and she was tiny.
My late teens/very early 20’s I wasn’t too bad, I was active and although my food wasn’t ideal, I was pretty active and hadn’t had kids, so was so much easier to lose weight.Late 20’s I got pretty lazy. My jobs got more sedentary (Call Centre), we were young, married and kid less, so lots of weekends away, heaps of junk food, and general sloth-like behaviour. Our son was born when I was 28, and although I gained 17 kg I lost the baby weight really quickly. I even trained to walk a half marathon. Training didn’t go as well as planned, with a few injuries along the way, but I enjoyed it, and I completed the half marathon, only just. If it wasn’t for a lovely lady who walked with me the last 4 km, I wonder if I would have finished it. But I’m proud to say I did. Our daughter was born when I was 30, and pre-pregnancy, I was 94 kg. I only gained 7.5 kg this time, and lost that fast, as well. But getting below that was so much harder. I did get down to 84 kg at once stage, when I started on a mild anti depressant for pain management (didn’t work), but that soon came back, plus more.

Who wouldn’t love this face??At my heaviest, at the beginning of last year, I was 96.7 kg. Right now I am 89 kg. I’m only 1.64 m tall, so this is obviously FAR too heavy for my frame. I’ve never been skinny, and probably never will be, but I am certain I will feel so much better, and so much less pain when I have less weight to drag around. Also, your weight yo yo-ing this much can’t be good on our bodies.

I have been stuck in the shitty emotional eating cycle for years. I had fixed it at one stage, and lost heaps of weight, got stronger, got happier, and things were good. That was 9 years ago. Things went hugely downhill from there. Had a shitty day? Eat. Feel bad for “failing”? Eat. Hate yourself for eating? Eat. Look in the mirror/fail to go to the gym/having a tired or sore body day/jealous of other peoples success/take offence to a comment, no matter how insignificant? EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT. Oh, and hate yourself a bit more with each “failure”.


Baby Girls “I need coffee, stat” morning face. No she doesn’t drink coffee.

So how do we fix it? How do we shut that
crazy bitch yabbering away inside our heads
up, and start to be nicer to ourselves? It’s not easy. I started 2015 planning to lose a shit tonne of weight and everything would be rosy and sunshine and sparkles (with a side of fluffy bunnies and unicorns.)


It came off even slower than I could have imagined, with SO many slip ups along the way. I also have some health issues to work around, meaning I have to be careful with building up the exercise. But I eventually came to the realisation that losing heaps of weight won’t necessarily make me happy. I need to learn to be nicer to myself, cut out the nasty bitch in my head telling me I’m fat/ugly/eat too much/useless/dumb (the baby brain is strong in this one) So while losing weight to become healthier/fitter/hotter is of huge importance, I decided to first look at how I think about things, and how I treat myself. Having a bad day/week doesn’t make me a failure. It doesn’t mean I won’t get there. It doesn’t mean I’m fat/ugly/eat too much/useless/dumb. It means I had a rough day, and tomorrow is a new day. Just try to have less rough days as time goes on.

I’m lucky to have an amazing husband, who has supported me at every size. He knows I want to be smaller and fitter, but also knows that I am working on being nicer to myself and loving myself a bit more. I also know he can’t wait for when I’m much fitter and have more enthusiasm to get out and to fun active stuff with our kids before they grow up and are too cool to hang with us.
I also learnt from a Facebook Group that I am in, to not see foods as good/bad. It only contributes to the nasty bitch in your head, gives her more to hassle you with. Instead I have been focusing on what foods make me FEEL good. Does a pie/lasagne topper make me feel good and give me the kind of energy I need to get through my day? Nope. So maybe it’s not the best thing to eat. I love them though, and so I’m not going to say I can never have a pie/lasagne topper again, but just to not feel guilty if I have one, and to remember it doesn’t really serve my goals. Doesn’t make it bad, or me a failure for having one occasionally.

“normal” pictures aren’t normal for us.

Hasn’t been easy. Not at all. And while I am taking a more relaxed approached to this, in order to like myself a bit more, it does mean physical changes happen much more slowly.
But the change in my mind set has been a big difference, and I figure once that falls into place properly, the rest will follow, but it will be long term, unlike if I go head first into a restricting diet, deny myself foods I enjoy, and then berate myself when I “fail”. That kind of head fuckery is in the past, thank you.

Does this resonate with you? Are you picking up what I’m putting down?Please go take a look at the various options I have for us to work together – I’ve made quite a few services available, recently, to give everyone the opportunity. Would love to hear from you!

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